you really want to know?

Posted by zeno on December 14, 2009

When yiou get her, you know it. How you gt here, you don’t know, but you fucking know you’re here. No amount of talking ormedication or self analysis will prise the scab off the wound, no amount of cheery talk and wishing and happy places will make a ladder tio cloimbou to fthe hole. And eventually the hole becomes a asafe place, it’s home, its wha=re you belong because eyou just aren’t good enough or deserving enough or smart enough or handsome enough or anything enough. That black, stinking, nightmare infested hole is where you belong it’s all you deserve ad it’ the fucking place where everything becines real, you se yourself for what you atre, for who you really ate and it hurts. Oh, it hurts, and no one can save you, no matter what they think, no matter how hard they believe. And you can smile over it, you can even pretend youre ok, bit you aren’t. and what can you do about t, you can hurt yourself because that feels right. Not giid but right. And then people beccime confused and hurt and you feel you have to deal with all of that and you cant, you won’t so you hut=rt them and in doing that you hiryt yourself more ao syou harm yourself physically. And it’s right, not good, but it’s right. And youy see the world through hooded eyes and you see the world through the slits that make everything real and harsh and brnrning and sore. But that is how it’s meant to be. Ther is no gid or heaven ther is no safe bhaven, there is no place to run to, because youre stuck in that hole and you can’t get out. And you don;yt want to get out and no one can reach you ad bo ine can get to you and even if they try they show the disgust they feel at tyou because youre not rightm not normal. Fuck them, fuck it, fuck you.