Posted by zeno on December 14, 2009
When yiou get her, you know it. How you gt here, you don’t know, but you fucking know you’re here. No amount of talking ormedication or self analysis will prise the scab off the wound, no amount of cheery talk and wishing and happy places will make a ladder tio cloimbou to fthe hole. And eventually the hole becomes a asafe place, it’s home, its wha=re you belong because eyou just aren’t good enough or deserving enough or smart enough or handsome enough or anything enough. That black, stinking, nightmare infested hole is where you belong it’s all you deserve ad it’ the fucking place where everything becines real, you se yourself for what you atre, for who you really ate and it hurts. Oh, it hurts, and no one can save you, no matter what they think, no matter how hard they believe. And you can smile over it, you can even pretend youre ok, bit you aren’t. and what can you do about t, you can hurt yourself because that feels right. Not giid but right. And then people beccime confused and hurt and you feel you have to deal with all of that and you cant, you won’t so you hut=rt them and in doing that you hiryt yourself more ao syou harm yourself physically. And it’s right, not good, but it’s right. And youy see the world through hooded eyes and you see the world through the slits that make everything real and harsh and brnrning and sore. But that is how it’s meant to be. Ther is no gid or heaven ther is no safe bhaven, there is no place to run to, because youre stuck in that hole and you can’t get out. And you don;yt want to get out and no one can reach you ad bo ine can get to you and even if they try they show the disgust they feel at tyou because youre not rightm not normal. Fuck them, fuck it, fuck you.
Posted by zeno on August 6, 2009
There are a million signs and signals, if only you look. Very few people can mask their true feelings well enough to avoid discovery. I know. I can tell what you are thinking. I can always tell what you are thinking, even when you don’t realise when you are thinking.
I’m not a mind reader; I just notice things, little items that other people gloss over and ignore. I notice small changes in posture, in vocal tautness, in skin colour. I notice changes in surface temperature and in smell. Really tiny changes.
Perhaps the ability to see like that is common, perhaps what is uncommon is being able to read the changes, to analyse and interpret. But I know what the changes mean. Always.
And I am always right. I know when you are angry or frustrated. I know when you don’t like me or when you want to get close to me; when you need to be held and when you need solitude. I know when poetry is touching your soul and I know when nothing short of physical assault will change your mind.
So never imagine I am anything less than intent. Don’t for a second believe I am not aware of your presence in the world, near or far. My senses are so attuned to yours that I would feel a sigh at ten thousand miles.
I know what you are thinking, believe me.
Posted by zeno on August 5, 2009
Life goes on, the world turns and day slowly overcomes night.
In my little corner of existence life seems pleasingly mellow, yet, when there are no ripples or sub-surface currents, my mind has developed two basic ways of responding to the various tomorrows that could appear.
Half the time I worry that something big and black and overwhelming is lurking around the corner and I worry that somehow the delivery notes got mixed up and I have someone else’s life, but they are going to want it back. Soon.
The other perpetual hum at the back of my unfashionably cluttered mind is a glorious, expectant excitement. An assurance that, as I take my next step, a huge bubble of wonderfulness is about to burst and shower me in joy and success and all things sparkly and golden.
I don’t always feel these things in a recognizable or describable way; only when I am not sufficiently distracted by the mechanics of actual living or the minutiae of the daily grind, but they underlie everything that is within me.
And so my responses are not always what people expect, suck it up.
But life does go on.
Posted by zeno on August 4, 2009
I like to write, most of you know that. I also like to be read but, I have a question, where should I take the blog?
It’s been a couple of years since I was regularly posting but some of you will remember (fondly I hope) the days when fasteddiesbullet and the dubious institute kept abreast (fnar) of the times, the culture and the zeitgeist. Then I ran out of words.
Others who started around the same time just kept on going, producing better and better stuff, but I faded. Millions of new bloggers began to fill the webosphere with words and pictures, thoughts and opinions, smut and saintliness. Blogs specialised and focused, became commercial and attended to the neeeds of the most jaded of reading palates (yes, mixed metaphor, I know… but it’s what I do, right?).
Which leads me to here and now. Where do I go and what do I do on this little piece of internet real estate? Should I try and focus on more thoughtful pieces which drag on a bit but get to the heart of the matter (at least in my eyes) or should I go back to my original recipe of a scattergun of brilliantly coloured, but ultimately shallow, notion-posts, interspersed with the occasional picture of my arse?
What do you think people, poetically purple prose or fnar jokes aplenty?
I leave it in your gentle and tastleful hands. Make your thoughts known, suggest a topic or two, send pictures of your own bahookie (mine is aging, after all), write me a poem.
Answers please.
Posted by zeno on March 31, 2009
It seems that, since the wheels fell off the world’s financial systems, the latest fad to hit the high street is hypocrisy and judgmentalism. To be fair, they have been pretty popular for years, but their current prominence is frightening.
It would be easy to point the finger at the media for this new trend, but that would be a little disingenuous. The media certainly feeds the market it creates, but its creative power is limited to unleashing the need within each of us to feel superior, especially in times when we feel insecure. Even when we know that we are as bad, or worse, than those we sneer at, it seems we must be able to join together publicly and affirm our own moral sanctity. The media is our “town square”.
When something goes badly wrong we need someone to blame so Sir Fred Goodwin has his home attacked. When we feel harm has been done to us we need to assuage our anger so we wax frothy at the CEOs and COOs of bankrupt companies, and the politicians who enabled them. It may make us feel better to be clawing at Jacqui Smith but shouldn’t the focus be more on the abuse of parliamentary allowances rather than her husband’s predilection for dirty movies.
I would suggest there are few people reading, watching or listening the news today who have not watched porn in some form, who have not “borrowed” some printer paper from their office or who have not been economical with the truth at some time in their lives. But, my God, how dare the Home Secretary’s husband have a private chug?
At best this is all simply bullying on a national scale, at worst it amounts to monumental self delusion. And those who shriek loudest appear, eventually, to be the greater criminals.
We need to be aware that we, individually, have colluded in the whole global scam by virtue of our blind complacency and greed. When the gravy train was slopping onto the common table, we were lapping it up like hungry dogs and paying no attention to the fact that the train drivers were high on their own hormones, the engine had no brakes and we were all accelerating downhill towards a solid and immovable cliff-face. We allowed ourselves to be encouraged to aspire to enormous wealth and, when we couldn’t actually get there, to live as though we had.
Prioritise and focus. The situation we face needs leadership not blame, ideas not judgmentalism. We need to feel confident that when the man or woman at the helm makes mistakes he makes them honestly. We need to be able to believe that our leaders put us first, not themselves, and we really need to forget about “Looking out for Number 1”.
We are in this together and the only way we will get out is together. Anger is a legitimate response to being fiscally humped. By all means feel angry, but let’s use the anger positively.
We need to forget blame, hypocrisy and judgmentalism, the only thing that will take us forward is hope.
.
Posted by zeno on March 17, 2009
OK, full disclosure… I am a Christian.
I am, in fact, an Orthodox Christian, but that is an aside. I ended up there after a fairly lengthy and involved journey that doesn’t need explained in this post. It’s enough to say that I became a Christian (practicing as opposed to nominal) in my mid-twenties as a result of a decision. An intellectual, and emotional, decision.
The years since then have merely increased my comprehension that there are many, many things that we don’t know, and can’t know, about the universe and our place in it, and that my response and choice (if that’s what it was) is as valid as any. I am as convinced as ever that my choice was the right one for me, and I firmly believe that a choice, a considered choice, does have to be made by each of us.
Recently my reading has skimmed religion, evolution, creationism, physics, metaphysics, philosophy, theology and the human experience, in both fiction and non-fiction. It has made me think quite deeply, I like that.
A question that bubbled to the surface yesterday was “what is the purpose/point of evolution?”
However you cut this particular cake, there has to be a purpose or an aim to evolution. Otherwise, why evolve? Evolution implies continuous improvement or adaptation to better extend “life”. Either that or it suggests that change is merely serendipitous, in that an accidental change is only successful when there’s nothing around to destroy it. So, therefore, the “purpose” of evolution, intentionally, or as a by-product of accidental dynamic change, is the continuation and propagation of life. A battle for survival. Survival of the fittest, survival of the best adapted.
In any battle the winner only wins, and it’s the most effective fighting methods that bring victory; strength, ingenuity, adaptability, speed, weaponry. But, if the winner is only the one left standing at the end and the environment that remains no longer supports him, evolution scores a Pyrrhic victory.
Then along comes homo-sapiens and we find we are able to adapt to suit pretty much any environment (primarily by adapting our environment to suit us). It’s still a battle for survival though, and the hunger, not just protect ourselves but to defeat whatever threatens us, is why we are here; and asks another question “Is humanity the pinnacle of evolution?”
Are we currently wearing the evolutionary yellow jersey, or does that accolade go to insects… or bacteria… or perhaps algae?
It has been said that it is sentience that sets humanity apart from other life forms. It’s an evolutionary step that allows us to look forwards, and backwards, in time and to evaluate the consequences of our actions. Sentience, and all that goes along with it (conscience, emotion, abstract thought etc), benefits us enormously in evolutionary terms, “Look before you leap” is a very worthwhile motto, but does it benefit us more than any of the evolutionary advantages that viruses or insects have? Consequences are irrelevant to them, for the most part, because of their great numbers. Variety is their particular strength, sentience is ours.
Of all currently evolved life-forms humanity certainly has the capability to destroy life on our planet. We are the most dangerous life-form, if not the most evolved, so is sentience nature’s way of balancing the capability we have evolved? Are the two linked… conscience and destructive power?
From a purely evolutionary viewpoint, our much cherished humanity, or the things that we cherish about or humanity (aesthetics, passion, creativity, determination, love etc), is merely an evolutionary by-product and has no meaning beyond acting as a governor to our burgeoning destructive potential. Tears and laughter, pleasure and pain, are simply behavioural adjustors… even charm has its evolutionary use. As we are merely evolved, we are essentially no different to the virus or the insect or the fungus…
I don’t find that a pleasant thought. Not because I want to consider myself more important than, say, a flea but because that thought process concludes that a flea, or a jellyfish, or a rat all have just as much right to life as we do. Therefore human life is as disposable, or as important as any other life. Perhaps you think that’s true. What would you do if you discovered you had tapeworm?
So we have evolved to the point where it feels important to reconcile why we are what we are, but frankly we don’t, and possibly can’t, know.
Religions are considered by some to be humanity’s ignorant response to the unknown. Possibly there is truth in that but, as there are so many unknowables, perhaps it’s wise that our responses should encompass the unknown.
Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Zoroastrianism, Hinduism, Animism, Daoism, Jainism and a thousand others… each religion is an attempt to explain ourselves, and each probably touches at least part of the truth. The evolutionary value of religion is, possibly, that it prevents humanity going mad.
Humanism, from what I can see, is anti-religious (in the nicest possible way). A rejection of religion, yet by placing humanity firmly at the centre of the universe it also invokes religion. In essence humanism is a religion-free religion. In an evolutionary sense, it has she same value as religion, but without the faith.
Does meaning exist because humans make it exist, or does it exist anyway?
Science can’t actually explain things; or rather it can’t give reasons for things. Science can certainly describe the how and can make accurate predictions based on accurate observation, but any “whys” that science answers are pure opinion. Why evolution? Why speed of light? Why only three visible dimensions?
Science is limited by our comprehension and our comprehension is limited by evolutionary need.
Science does, however, have enormous evolutionary value because it allows humanity to innovate and adapt our universe. Yet science alone doesn’t feed that core essence of our humanity, the “sentience”, or at least not for most people, and so we’re back to religion again.
Finally… by virtue of its nature (pun intended), evolution surely must end in the total annihilation of life, otherwise evolution (as accident) is incorrect. That begs the question “what’s behind it?” and leaves us with the only other option… evolution by design of some sort?
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio…
Posted by zeno on November 13, 2008
If I keep up this tremendous output, I may manage another post by Christmas.
Life’s been odd. This floating back and forth between home and Brussels makes me feel as if I am never really either one place or the other. Anything that needs done can always be put off till “the next time” and then it gets forgotten about. My memory’s going, K?
So we seem to be living in a new world these days, or at least one with the potential to be new… ish. I have been a fan of Barack Obama but my fanship is tempered with the hindsight that I was also a fan of Tony Blair, and look where that got me. So, I do feel hope but it’s with a bit of cynical realism, the guy is a politician after all, and we have lots of exerience of politicians, don’t we?
I am planning on stopping smoking again, yeeehaw! But i can’t decide on whether to use nicotine replacements or just go cold turkey. Any advice?
Events of this summer (which I will write about another time) have made me look seriously at my life and the people I have in it. Also those that, for one reason or another, I am no longer in touch with. I have cntacted some old pals over the last few weeks and, by and large, it has been a positive thing. I will keep doing that and see how it all turns out. There’s definitely something sort of comforting having friends who knew you when you were young and stupid. It’s grounding and, at the same time, heartening to know that they still like you and you still like them.
Still and all (to borrow a phrase from the colonials) it is still jolly nice to meet and get to know new people too… like you, and you.
Posted by gjoe on September 27, 2008
Two things…
Anyone who puts themselves second when in the Hollywood Hurricane is OK in my book.
Anyone who makes a spaghetti sauce for charity is OK in my book
Paul Newman, possibly the best looking man in the history of the planet; certainly a hero for anyone wishing to know how to deal with wealth, fame and notoriety; and without a doubt, someone to view as a role model, has died. He was 83 so I suppose it’s not unreasonable that he should pass away, but it’s still sad. Me? I still model myself on Cool Hand Luke. Plus… we share a middle name.
Sad.
“You can’t be as old as I am without waking up with a surprised look on your face every morning: ‘Holy Christ, whaddya know – I’m still around!’ It’s absolutely amazing that I survived all the booze and smoking and the cars and the career.”
Posted by zeno on September 25, 2008
Says who?
lugs
Whilst I may accept that creating soft and stylish handbags from pigs ears may be a bit of a stretch (literally?), there are so many other things we can do with them.
Food for example.
Forgotten delicacies like “Crisped Ear with Mustard”, lost in the mists of time, that we really should try again; especially now that we are all flat broke and can no longer afford the foie gras or the Kobe beef.
My grandfather was a cattleman. He owned a farm, a slaughterhouse and a butcher shop, so he did all the lovely things to herbivores that the vegetarian belt object to. Sadly I never knew him but my mother (bless her) was awfully fond of bringing various bits of dead animal into the house when I was growing up. Kidneys and liver were common (though she cooked the liver so long it was more like shoe leather) as were thngs like tongue, oxtails and sweetbreads. I recall one day, arriving home from school and finding a calf’s brain floating in a pyrex bowl on the kitchen counter. I gave that one a miss.
But our palates have become accustomed to choicer cuts of meat these days. I read somewhere that today’s eating habits are a direct result of the years of plenty that occurred immediately after rationing stopped, back in the ’50s. After such straightened times, our parents got mad and decided to no longer eat like peasants. I think that is a real shame. Being a peasant and all.
I reckon that most people don’t have the foggiest which part of a sheep/cow/pig the various cuts of come from. In fact, in these days of supermarket fluorescence we don’t ever get to see the blood and gore, so many people can mentally separate the meat they eat from the donating animal and thus kid themselves on that they are two different things. Unfortunately, as a result, we don’t get much opportunity to be adventurous with our tastebuds.
Yummy piggy toes
My local butcher is BRILLIANT so I have been doing my thang with sweetbreads, kidney and lambs hearts over the past few months. Much to the disgust of my family but much to the delight of MacGregor, my curmudgeonly neighbour.
I bought a book recently called Nose to Tail Eating, by Fergus Henderson (Chef at St John restaurant, in London, which specialises in “interesting dishes”). There are recipes for things like “Warm Pigs Head”, “Jellied Rabbit”, “Grilled, Marinated Calf’s Heart” and all sorts of fabby stuff. I am not as hardcore as I would have to be to eat “Rolled Pig’s Sleen” but I am all for trying out less bizarre items. SO, today I bought a bag of pig parts (ears, feet and cheeks) and I am going to spend the weekend indulging and experimenting.
I’ll keep you posted and let you see the results in picture. If it were possible to post smells, I would but am sure you will be drooling anyway.
Any of you have old recipes you think I may enjoy?
Posted by gjoe on September 17, 2008
I couldn’t take the silence any more. My ears hurt, my fingers twitched and my eyes swivelled manically. Too much sitting alone in a darkened room, but with way too much stuff going on in the world, demanding, calling, begging for me to address it and put it all to right. And believe me, I will put it all to right.
We’ve got war, politics, famine, pestilence, crime, the collapse of capitalism, the death of music, celebrity wisdom and kinky sex… and that’s just for starters.
If you know me you’ll know where I’ve been. If you don’t, you’ll just have to take it on trust that I have been around for a while. I won’t be linking to old stuff though, as the old has passed and a new thing has been born, conceived in the very foothills of Kilimanjaro (as I was).
If you like it here, hang around, join in the debate. If you don’t like it… accept my apologies and move on to something with more pictures.